A dear friend wrote me these words recently: "Yeah blogs are great, I just wish mine would kind of update itself as I cant seem to find the time!! haha, but yours is excellent, we love reading it... for me it shows how you have changed and grown so much since I first met you, but how at the same time you always remain the same Ivonne we have always known and loved... the same but different, I guess most of us are like that!" I think that is such a beautiful yet truthful reflection. We change. It does not matter how old or young we are, we all change. It is so funny to look back at life. It is like when you get you hands on some old journals and fathom thoughts of old which now cause you hilarity. What's really funny is that, at the time you wrote those things you now laugh or cringe about, you actually used to believe them, they were you. I am reminded of a delightful love poem by Turkish contemporary author Nazim Hikmet; I have never read it's English translation so my translation from Italian will have to do..I am also reminded of Kierkegaard when he expressed that "life can only be understood by looking back but only lived by looking forward" - words were never truer. There are times when things happen and you can only scream why. You are angry, outraged, in despair. People telling you that is going to get better suddenly become unsympathetic enemies. No-one understands. Six months ago, I was ready to give up, to run away, to hide, disappear because the pain was too much to bear. Everything I ever loved, everything I ever wanted was being taken away from me. My safe mansion was becoming a sand castle blowing in the wind before my very eyes and it hurt. You sing songs of despair, pull your hair out, find yourself crashing on the kitchen floor, sobbing, in the middle of a working day..No strength to look at yourself in the mirror, no real urge to get out of bed in the mornings..sadness being your daily bread. Then you look back - this time a content sweet smile crowns your relaxed face. Outside is raining in the middle of July, but your heart is pounding with excitement. Excitement for possibility. Faith: being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Jolene, originally interpreted by the lady at the top of the page, Ms Dolly Parlton, was majestically interpreted by the White Stripes (material to give you goose-bumps guaranteed). That song at one point became my song of despare, painfully encompassing my suffering (even if on different and diverse levels). Now it is the wonderful Jolene by Ray LaMontagne that, together with "Chicago" by Sufjan Stevens, accompany me on a journey of re-discovery, beauty, love. Here is one for you, my dear readers.
6 comments:
Hi!
That's a real proof; you will never stop blogging, yeah!
It's 4 a.m. but it's worth stopping by and commenting a bit. I really enjoyed reading this post for various and different reasons:
- I have always questioned myself about "the continuity of I" (probably this isn't a proper translation but I hope you get what i mean). I want to get further on this issue, but tomorrow XD.
- Kierkegaar's quote is pragmatical which, for me, is the same as intelligent. (i got a book by Kierkegaar from a friend).
- Life is anything but linear, there are sudden exponential changes. In fact, it seems to me that i've learned more over last two years than in my whole previous life. Among the things i've learned : relativism; nothing is so important, just wait and look backwards with the necessary perspective. We'll all die, so let's just do our best, make the most of it and ride on! My grandma used to say: can it be fixed up? then don't worry, can't it? then why do you worry?
to be continued...
Wow, lots of food stuff on that post, girl. Thanks for the songs. I just wanted to say it's funny you mention Hikmet: I've just learnt of him through a dear friend who sent me this beautiful poem.
ON LIVING
1
Living is no laughing matter :
you must live with great seriousness
like a squirrel, for example -
I mean without looking for something beyond and above living,
I mean living must be your whole occupation.
Living is no laughing matter :
you must take it seriously,
so much so and to such a degree
that, for example, your hands tied behind your back,
your back to the wall,
or else in a laboratory ölebileceksin,
in your white coat and safety glasses,
you can die for people -
even for people whose faces you have never seen,
even though you know living
is the most real, the most beautiful thing.
I mean, you must take living so seriously
that even at seventy, for example, you'll plant olive trees -
and not for your children, either
but because although you fear death you don't believe it,
because living, I mean, weighs heavier.
I meant "good", not "food", obviously. But it's "food for thought", anyways. I'm so wise my typos turn out to be clever puns, ha ha.
what a great post yvonne, loved reading it. We wll change and I love the fact that until we look back we don't always notice
Oh, interesting stuff. I think change is something we have to accept and treat as a positive thing. One of the biggest weaknesses of humanity is our inability to let go of the things we know. I feel we can leave these things behind because we are like big sponges, soaking up all those experiences and making them part of our memories and personalities. They become part of us so there is no need to experience them again, only to experience them differently. In the words of Heraclitus "Nothing endures but change".
Safe journey Chick. Have an awesome time back in Italy. Britain will miss your chipper and charming little self but I'm sure your voice will still be heard and your beaming smile still felt from across the continent!
I wish my blog would write itself too.
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