Giuseppe Pellizza da Volpedo, Il Quarto Stato
When I first moved to England, a whole five years ago, I had never lived in a foreign country before. Despite my academic knowledge of the English language, I had had little opportunities, if none at all, to actually speak English with the natives. Upon my arrival, I bumped into Merle, a delightful young Northern Irish lass, who warmly welcomed me and beckoned me as a dear friend. She talked and talked and talked. As we finished our conversation, I rushed down the phone to my mother complaining I could not possibly live in England due to my lack of understanding of the English language (little did I k
now about regional accents and dialects)..Shortly after that first encounter, not only I resolved in not leaving, but I also became really close to that girl to the point of gaining my memorable nickname "the Wee Italian Chick" together with a dodgy Irish twang! I have loved living in England (to much of most people's surprise). Despite the lack of regular sunshine, yummy food and exotic scenarios, I have embraced the dales, the streams, the daffodils in spring and the squirrels. The pizzeria has been substituted by the pub and I now don't swing across motorway lanes in as much as I used to. One does not often hear me say this, but I am suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling of non-belonging, a spell of homesickness.
Last night I looked around the traditional English pub I was sat at (motive of curiosity and wonder upon my arrival, now transformed into a 'ghost house', the emblem of somewhere I don't belong to any lo
nger, or where,perhaps, I never really belonged). Maybe it is all the Italian dinner parties I have been attending recently, the warm summer nights, my family situation, the self perceived failure at a number of levels in my life.. I don't know. Don't get me wrong: I breeze through an unusual sense of contentment and peacefulness at the moment; yet, I miss Home. I miss my family; I miss my 'historic' friends; I miss that part of me, my Italian-ness, which I have sought so hard to deny and leave behind for the past five years.. Am I going through a 'fifth-year-crisis"?!
13 comments:
Hi Italian chick!
I can relate so well to what you are saying. I am Swedish but have spent half of my life abroad, mostly here in Northern Ireland. You know, I don't think you should deny or leave behind your italian-ness!! Someone once made the comment to me that they thought the reason why I had adapted so well to living abroad was that I held on strongly to my own Swedish identity. I speak Swedish to my kids 100% of the time, have a totally Swedish Christmas Eve etc... I think it's important to hold on to all that stuff. (Living in a cross cultural marriage is both fun and challenging too, but that's a different story!)
Home will always be home. When I go to Sweden, walk in the forest near my parents' home, cycle around the quiet country roads, spend time with old friends... I feel complete and whole like nowhere else. I feel at HOME. Like you in Italy, I am sure. It's almost a bittersweet feeling.
I think you should celebrate the fact that you are Italian, cook Italian feasts for your English friends... :-) And I hope you get to go home to visit your friends and family soon.
Nina
PS Can't wait 'til IKEA comes to Belfast so I can buy my favourite Swedish foods and chocolate!!
Hi Ivonne, I hear you. Let it flow through you, embrace the disconnectedness and then somehow you pull through, I am praying for you.
Ivonne I wanted to reply about your Ibiza post on my blog but didn't have your email, this place get crazy full of italians in August! Mail me brian@24-7ibiza.com then we could chat some more about the possibility of a visit.
Hello my darling.
Of course you miss home - it is only natural. That is why I have moved here after being in the South and Midlands since the age of 18.
I MISSED MY HOME!!
You can't beat the North although it has the most bizarre people, food and accents.
However, on Saturday you will sample the delights of 'Cambridge' one of Englands' most beautiful places (if I can say so - of course I would as I got my degree from there darling)
So I will see you on Saturday (if we can both get up that early!!!)
Love from your little Bolton stalker.
xx
Nina: nice to see you on my blog. J-Mac is right:your comments are always filled with wisdom and inspirational thoughts. Thanks for sharing your personal experience with me; I take great encouragement in your words - you definitively seem to have hit the nail on the head! Thank you.
Re: Italian meals - why do you think I have so many friends?! (",)
Brian:"I hear you" seems a very Spanish expression..lo siento?! Appreciate the thoughts of a fellow emigrant! re: Ibiza, I'd love to talk about it. I'll send you an e-mail as soon as I get home. (no access from work, ya see..)
Bolton Fan: my wee stalker friend! thanks for your thoughts and affection! you are a true pal! So, Cambridge baby? ;-)
You know what I don't really understand what u feel-i have felt it even when away for a few months from home, but i reckon on a bigger spiritual level we all feel that homesickness. I have been feeling homesick since my mum died a yr ago (if that's possible.) I used to go home every weekend, no one would be about, my mum used to be. I reckon on a subconscious level i kept hoping i'd see her. She represented home to me. I have realised though that we spend life with a feeling of homesickness longing for something to fill us. The reality is even if mum were here still, i know i'd be craving something i couldn't put my finger on. Maybe heaven will have the answers to that craving.
I know exactly what you mean, Jen. I have often had that undefined longing... Have heard it called 'existential loneliness'. Maybe it's that God-shaped hole that Philip sometimes talks about.
Nina
I think that 'undefined longing' is a built in feeling to keep us aspiring, learning, working, fighting for what we want. It's the reason we get up in the morning. I think it's essential to have needs and desires which are not met as it gives us a hunger for more. Perhaps the very definition of life?
Yeh, I think it's normal to go through that! You still lived more years in Italy than you have in England. And I don't know what your situation is, but sometimes if we are in a season of change, something changing in our lives then we might miss the familiar. I dunno. But it's normal! :) Btw, are you staying there for 'good', or a longer time? Bless ya! Mimosa
PS Also, very wise and true what Jen said! Me agrees =)
Homesickness is only really to be expected -- I'm sorry that it's torturing you, though. Maybe there comes a time when you have to weigh one against the other, which you'd miss more -- I wish I could help...
I could swear I had left a comment here the other day... Anyways, matey, what can I tell you about wanting to move around, the further the better? Maybe you're tired of Salford... Changes are good and necessary sometimes. And something you have in your favour is that you're not afraid of changes and going after what you believe.
So go for it (whatever it is)!!!
Thank you,guys. Again, I am made stronger by your support..it is a bizarre feeling when the blogworld becomes a supportive community of strangers who become friends. Guess I am just longing for a more positive time, a turn over of happiness and re-birth. Love ya all! (",)
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